Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.

   Alcohol only kills off the weakest of brain cells

   Breaking: Paula Dean made Riley Cooper a Batch of Fried Chicken to offer support for his Racial slur.

   I love when I post a status and someone copy's and pastes its and I get 4 thousand likes and they get two.

   No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because I'm talking back...

   since when did"nom,nom"equate to I ate it and it was very nice ?

   Today I walked up to 4 random couples, told the guy,"She likes it counterclockwise", winked at her then walked away. Screw happy couples.

   Tom and Jerry: The original "1000 Ways to Die."

   Dear Men, Life without Women, would literally be a pain in the as*.

   Before we had Facebook, we had actual friends.

   kinda tired of hearing about it. there's plenty of hotdog and taco stands if you don't like chicken. its all food and we are all allowed freedom of speech. ok jk about the freedom of speech part

   it just me or does it seem like the Olympics have been on for like 10 days straight now???

   You had me at 'gender realignment scars'.

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

   This "friend" on FB keeps posting pics of herself and her boyfriend making out. Can someone here provide me with an alibi for tomorrow night?

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   Yes honey. Everyone is in fact, out to get (away from) you.

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   Note to all my FB Friends: As we all know, the end of the world will be tomorrow. So with that being said.... I think you are all a bunch of idiots!

   Ok, Christmas lights are up and ready for next year.