Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Take your pleasure seriously.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   I am starting to think my life is like a revolving door.... Every time I hesitate to go through I get slapped by the door as it passes

   Eating Healthy is a pain in the ass, all this cutting and chopping and cooking and Milking and pasteurizing. next time I want fresh steaks and milk I'm going to the dam store to get it !!

   In times of great sadness, terrible pain & unreasonable hardship try putting your faith in convenience store scratch tickets.

   If you can not "paste" don't "copy", you need the ability to "copy and paste" for it to be successful!

   i told facebook what was on my mind one day .. they had to reconstruct the whole page ... :'(

   I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .

   You can always tell the pessimist on a cruise ship. He's the one wearing a shark suit the whole time.

   That depressing moment when your parents don't appreciate the hilarious child they have been blessed with :P

   "Don't Be Smart With Me!".... Okay Mom,.... i'll just be dumb. Sounds great

   A life without love is like a year without summer.

   if you type "no comment" in the comment bar that is in fact a comment.

   Freedom of choice....... I am Free and you are not my choice!

   Jack In The Box has unveiled it's new bacon milk shake...mmmm, kinda like adding brown gravy to a hot fudge sundae! :/

   Teacher: so what would you prefer to be, a doctor? A lawyer? A pilot? Student: Asleep!

   I had a pet hamster, my idiot brother put a sweater over it and next thing I know, Bam!!! dammm hamster is making millions and rap videos for KIA in my old hoodie!!! Can you imagine what this dog and cat are thinking.....

   by the way, in the summer, any car with an open window is considered an appropriate recepticle for your dogs bag o poo.

   i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again

   old age homes are gonna be filled with saggy tramp stamps at diaper changin time....mmm sexxxy