Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Bella's Aunt Flo comes to visit, does she have to double up on her feminine protection to keep Eddie from biting her?

   Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

   Wondering what chickens think frogs taste like.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   A developer tears down trees and builds houses in the woods. An environmentalist already has a house in the woods.

   wonders how a fine is justified as a predetermined tax for doing something wrong, and yet taxation is accepted as a fine for doing well?

   Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield. Today I feel like the windshield washer fluid and heavy duty windshield wipers cleaning up the mess left in my view.

   The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.

   Take your pleasure seriously.

   A great relationship is when you notice your girlfriend has just out-farted your record setting giant fart from 2yrs ago and all you think is ‘Oh my god she did it!!”

   I am starting to think my life is like a revolving door.... Every time I hesitate to go through I get slapped by the door as it passes

   Eating Healthy is a pain in the ass, all this cutting and chopping and cooking and Milking and pasteurizing. next time I want fresh steaks and milk I'm going to the dam store to get it !!

   In times of great sadness, terrible pain & unreasonable hardship try putting your faith in convenience store scratch tickets.

   If you can not "paste" don't "copy", you need the ability to "copy and paste" for it to be successful!

   i told facebook what was on my mind one day .. they had to reconstruct the whole page ... :'(

   I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .

   You can always tell the pessimist on a cruise ship. He's the one wearing a shark suit the whole time.

   That depressing moment when your parents don't appreciate the hilarious child they have been blessed with :P

   "Don't Be Smart With Me!".... Okay Mom,.... i'll just be dumb. Sounds great