Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need help programing my dvr to skip news and record the commercials.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   Your profile pic is good in bed.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.

   With the purchase of every drake album You should get a free box of Kleenex and a photo album of your ex

   Just like the Government....I feel shut-down when my wife talks too much too....

   Happy "GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN" DAY...again everyone

   Just because nobody gets you doesn't make you an Artist........it kinda makes you a doofus

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order)

   Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.

   ran my first 5k today...finally I said, "Lady, take your purse!!"

   There are people I meet I could write a beautiful novel about, than there are those I could write a murder mystery about and have them die a horrible death. . .

   Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford ...is this really a PRANK show and Ashton Kutcher is going to come out at the end and tell us we've been PUNK'D

   If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.

   having a hard time groing his sunflower, maby I should'nt have eaten the insides

   I've been given two weeks to live. The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

   ~Heidi Klum & I have resigned as Victoria's Secret models. I wanted you to hear this sad news directly from me and not your crazy neighbor Earle.

   I work hard for the money......maybe someday I'll get to see it and enjoy it.

   Does womens restrooms have attendants in the fancy strip clubs? If so how do I apply?