Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

   Some people shouldn't talk unless they can improve on the silence.

   I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

   Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   Not to brag but, my beer would never wanna "Take a break" or "See other people" or ask to "Go through my phone"

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   Of course Snoop volunteered to play outfield for today's Celebrity Softball Game in Cincinnati. That's where the grass is!

   So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year so I get it half marathon runners.

   apparently cyber monday takes on a COMPLETELY different meaning on some websites

   I'm not trying to bring sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...

   I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   A lot of people say they won't play the lottery unless it gets above $100 million. I guess $50 million isn't worth their trouble.

   Guys, the secret to a successful marriage is learning to choose your battles knowing you've already lost the war.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees