Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dropped out of college after my sophomore year so I get it half marathon runners.

   apparently cyber monday takes on a COMPLETELY different meaning on some websites

   I'm not trying to bring sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   Everybody is a victim in their own eyes...

   I don't want anyone to bother me with stupid $h!t today. Stupid $h!t is defined as anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   A lot of people say they won't play the lottery unless it gets above $100 million. I guess $50 million isn't worth their trouble.

   Guys, the secret to a successful marriage is learning to choose your battles knowing you've already lost the war.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.

   Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   I'm single by choice...Not my choice, but it's still a choice.

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   When Valentine's day is round the corner, all Forever alone people start enumerating the benefits of being single.

   I have a problem with pain pills, I can't find them anywhere!

   jeezo ya thick tit, can ya not make the connection between american football and rugby?? ya eejit....

   Be careful how many sticks and stones you throw at others because some are skilled at building catapults.

   I have now Been Sober for 281 days.! not all in a row, Just 281 days

   [restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.