Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My research has shown that girls with shaved-off-and-drawn-back-on eyebrows tend to be more confused by a push/pull door than a 5 year old toddler.

   People who tell you something then they say "nevermind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers.

   i think Hawaiian Airlines should change slogan to "we do wheely well"

   You're as confusing as Daniel Tosh's sexuality.

   I kept this status nice and short so it would be just like me. My "Eye Roll Sense" is tingling.

   So Ronaldo & Friends, sorry I mean Portugal got knocked out of the world cup last night.

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   I like to buy someone a birthday gift at CVS so then I can make a ribbon out of the receipt ‪#‎recycle‬

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

   My favote colleges are Ball State and Bring 'em Young.

   I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   I bet the guy working at the laundromat never has to break a hundred.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   Do Canadians call the middle of Canada the midnorth??

   It may be the Japanese wine talking but...私は酔ってる

   Sarah Palin as a TV court judge, that'll be a laugh a minute cuz she doesn't have a law degree.