Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am just a girl standing in front of a stalker, asking him to leave her the hell alone.

   having Fiasco perform at a pre-inaugural party sure turned out to be a fiasco!!

   why does every ginger thinks she looks like Daphne from Scooby Doo??

   I want to find a woman that speaks in Cliff Notes.

   Taco Bell is PACKED today.

   If you're one of the people wasting hours of your life throughout the day watching the live stream of that giraffe that refuses to have her baby, just stop. She'll most likely birth at like 3:30am while you're all asleep anyways. #ShesFakingIt #Shejustfat

   Have you ever farted so hard you saw cartoon birds circling your head?

   If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a few payments

   The difference between a Socialist and a legitimate homeless guy holding a sign on a street corner, is the guy with the sign is at least putting forth SOME degree of effort to support himself.

   ....... On behalf of Planet Earth ........ "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!"

   Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.

   Black Lives matter to Donald Trump. His words not mine.

   America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

   Taxes are basically a yearly subscription to the country you live. Childhood is the Free Trial.

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   You learn something new every day. Countries that have 90% poverty and you cant drink the water are paradise, instead of the $h1tholes we though they are.

   In honor of the super bowl, whenever I go to poop today, i'll refer to it as "taking the browns to the super bowl"

   My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.

   In Punxsutawney for breakfast trying to figure out what the mystery meat next to the pancakes is?

   wonders if cupid has a job opening??? I would love to shoot people in the a** and get away with it!!!