Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.

   only I can prevent forest fires?? But I live in Oklahoma...

   Let me use pain as an abrasive to polish your soul.

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   I have a v@gina full of crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.

   JAB, I'd start a conversation with one of you, but it's easier to sit here and ignore you. . .

   These days alot of celebrities are getting divorces. Micheal Jordan just got married, I wonder when the new Air Divorces are comming out?

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   ~ I bet Mediocrities was the most average philosopher ever (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ

   As long as my stalker has a car, I don't mind one bit. Cuz free roadside assistance.

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   If you can't out run your problems run towards them and destroy them.

   David Beckham is retiring at the end of this season. Girls everywhere are shocked with this news, saying "Wait, he was a footballer?!"

   Lysdexicia at meeting 8pm sharp today.

   On a scale of 1 to Facebook how much of a whiney b*tch are you?

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.