Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America: Elect a clown, expect a circus.

   panicking at the disco

   The CDC says you should start using your turn signals.

   I always wondered why dinosaurs are not mentioned in the bible, the dinosaurs were around before man created god.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   a PC

   Dear Obama, Just a question… if I somehow am able to sneak into the White House (Illegally)… and I am wearing my normal day to day clothes, looking suspicious... Is it fair to assume that I won't be asked for my crudentials as long as I'm good?

   I am at DEFCON 5. My espresson machine has died..........

   those Walgreens shots...not what I expected...

   Apparently asking if there's a fitting room at Condom Sense is frowned upon.

   Rub her the wrong way and she'll scream AT you. Rub her the right way and she'll scream FOR you!

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.

   only I can prevent forest fires?? But I live in Oklahoma...

   Let me use pain as an abrasive to polish your soul.

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   I have a v@gina full of crazy and I'm not afraid to use it.

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   I've recently nicknamed my girlfriend 'auto-correct', because she constantly tries to interfere with what I want to say.