Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   How do you piss off a Trump hater? Remind them that only two presidents in history were ever impeached and neither got kicked out of office because of it.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*it before....;)

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!

   Being told my breath smells like a sumo's kock with an onion ring around it wasn't funny, mom...

   Farmville? Fishville? I want to play Margaritaville. All I need is: 1800 Tequila, a pop-top and a woman to blame. But if I don't get them, I know it is my own damn fault.

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween, stood next to the Easter Bunny, and handed out eggs......

   They always do things bigger in Texas.

   Why did the Gingerbread Man go to the Doctor?...............He was feeling Crummy

   Please stop saying "My Valentine is my child." or "Jesus is my Valentine." Unfortunately, they don't count as real Valentine's.

   People who own tampon companies have no conscience. How do they sleep at night, with all that blood money?

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   As Jesus said: "It's ok to sin as long as you don't forget to ask for forgiveness later." -people who invent Bible Verses