Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   panicking at the disco

   Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

   The CDC says you should start using your turn signals.

   I always wondered why dinosaurs are not mentioned in the bible, the dinosaurs were around before man created god.

   Kisses are like real estate …. Location Location Location

   a PC

   Dear Obama, Just a question… if I somehow am able to sneak into the White House (Illegally)… and I am wearing my normal day to day clothes, looking suspicious... Is it fair to assume that I won't be asked for my crudentials as long as I'm good?

   I didn't change, I just grew up. You should try it sometime....

   Hold on to your shovels, its going to be a long winter!!

   just came back home and found Santa in his mouse trap... My cheese was all gone, but at least the milk and cookies were safe.

   Should've Driven to New York in my Toyota to see Puxotony Phil

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.

   I'm a pc and Windows 7 was NOT my idea.

   went undrafted again, despite a solid 40 and great hands!!

   Men..can't live with them..can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors getting suspicious.

   I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

   wondering if pediatricians and children's dentists play miniature golf on Wednesdays...

   The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you don't know how, the soggier your cereal gets.

   when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vajajay" I knew I was at home.

   i need you like a water needs tea bag. You make me stronger