Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flat Earthers: "The only thing we have to fear is sphere itself."

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   I’m hoping the Russians will hack Obama’s Farewell telecast tonight.

   The reason Dolphins fans hate Patriots fans is because the Pats are superior in every way imaginable. Including year after year.

   How do you piss off a Trump hater? Remind them that only two presidents in history were ever impeached and neither got kicked out of office because of it.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   Willy Wonka is put on death row. Requests Everlasting Gobstopper as final meal.....LOL, Lives forever.

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"

   Hey America and Canadians, the entire world already saw Miss Universe pageant. You people have to wait until 9 pm to watch how Miss Venezuela wins.

   If the first person who said: As god is my witness he should strike me down with a bolt of lightning actually got struck, there'd be a lot of dead people in the world for lying or a very lot of honest people. . . So where is this god you speak of.

   As Jesus said: "It's ok to sin as long as you don't forget to ask for forgiveness later." -people who invent Bible Verses

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   did anyone else besides me use a brown marker to draw nipples on the neighborhood girls Barbies when they were kids?

   I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?

   Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls*it before....;)

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!