Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I waited too long.. The stores ran out of winter solstice glasses.

   I kinda skeptical that it's really The Last Jedi.

   I guess Prince Harry realize that Trump can't make the royal wedding great.

   I was abducted and anal probed by aliens. Their names were Jose and Ricardo. I'm going to the police.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one,

   Mosquitoes are just vampire flies.

   Today we celebrate the man who brought Christianity to Ireland by drinking hard enough forget everything he taught.

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   statistics show that 97 % of dead people will stop posting statuses.

   Anyone care to tell me 1) Why, when brushing my teeth, I raise my eyebrows AS FAR AS THEY WILL GO? And 2) How long has this been going on?

   Just saw Steven Tyler in a Burger King commercial... There's no punchline. That in itself is funny.

   Sex is like high school...you miss a period and you're in trouble.

   Oh act like you never bullied someone in school.

   you're an overweight female who wears Yoga Pants everyday? Please continue to do so, I love throwing up in my mouth

   When will women understand that pouting and doing the duck-face is not sexy at all? Oh and include acting dumb on that list.

   Stop adding people you don't know on Facebook as your “friends”. Friends aren't Pokemon cards, you can't collect them all!

   feeling as sprightly today as Jimi Hendrix... or anyone else who has been dead for 40 years.

   If I could go back in time I would be playing recieve with your mom!

   Making girls who "aren't like that," like that. All Day, Every day.

   if they are cheating, they won't tell you they're cheating. If they aren't cheating, they won't tell you they are cheating. So you'll hear either, “I'm not cheating,” or “I'm not cheating.”