Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FaceBook....the second most popular word that starts with "F" and ends with "K".

   Am I the only one who thinks of those padded toilet seats when someone says, "more cushion for the pushin?"

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   In a sad announcement yesterday afternoon, we found that comedy legend Harold Ramis passed away. Even sadder, we found that Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are alive and well...

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   can you just let us believe in who we want to.. quit trying to convince us otherwise

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   I'd like to have another child one day. Two days, maximum.

   HER: You smell good...what are you wearing? ME: Weed.

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids