Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   If you're last name is Walker and you aren't a Texas ranger, I'll assume you have disgraced your family by choosing another profession.

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   I'm sexually frustrated and emotionally unavailable so get at me ladies.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   Don't have phone sex...or you might get hearing aids

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   It's 2013 and I'm pretty disappointed that scientists have yet to introduce bbq or cool ranch alternatives to our plain salt-flavored tears

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   It's really hard to watch a movie when you're hanging on a tree outside someone's room.

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   Fun thing to do #53: confuse room service bringing breakfast to you by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   Tempted to change my name on Facebook to "No Body" So when someone posts an attention seeking status and I like it. It will say "No Body likes this"

   Why talk when you can type?

   If the doctor say put the medicine in "your ear".. he meant "your rear"... so get your hearing checked too.