Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.

   I only date Calendars.

   To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......

   I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   The Olympians stories are amazing.. The ukrainian whose whole family was killed, the korean who escaped slavery, the american who never had wifi.

   Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?

   The Mega Millions jackpot is now up to $586 million. The odds of winning are 1 in 259 million. Those are the same odds of Tony Romo throwing a pass to his own teammate in the fourth quarter.

   “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government - lest it come to dominate our lives and interests.” - Patrick Henry

   Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   So now people are purposely sucking on cups to enlarge their lips. What more is the apocalypse waiting for?