Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just asked my buddy who's lived in Texas on a farm his whole life how many sexual partners he's been with. Strangely enough he started counting and fell asleep. O.o

   The deleted scene from Home Alone 2 was Trump talking to Kevin Mcallister and asking him to find dirt on Joe Biden.

   Jobs, jobs jobs. Trump won't stop until every American can afford to hire a Russian call girl to pee on them.

   Women love taking showers in boiling hot water, because it reminds them of hell, where they come from ...

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.

   I always sit backwards on the toilet...got to have a place to sit my cereal!!! most important meal of the day ya know.

   Here's the deal... No matter what state you're in, if you want Meth, find the nearest trailer park.

   enough with the gun control debate already. Just make guns illegal and there will never be another problem again. Just like all the other things they made illegal and you never hear about again. Like, murder, rape, kidnappings, drugs. etc.......

   Hoppy Easter Everybunny

   Why does a good Christian fear death and why do we mourn the dead, if they are going to a much better place?

   hates your extended network.

   youre so ugly just after you were was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"

   Bristol is following in her mother's footsteps, having no talent and people still root for her!

   what really sank the titanic.

   using a Magic 8 ball to answer his bosses questions.

   had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   put a leopard in a headlock. You now refer to this animal as the giraffe

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.