Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   youre so ugly just after you were was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"

   Bristol is following in her mother's footsteps, having no talent and people still root for her!

   what really sank the titanic.

   using a Magic 8 ball to answer his bosses questions.

   had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   put a leopard in a headlock. You now refer to this animal as the giraffe

   Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

   cant believe he just watched the New Kids on The Backstreet Boys bring in the New Year...What a terrible way to brink in 2011

   WARNING! Facebook now scans your brain through your monitor. TO BLOCK, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminium foil. Wrap foil around your head, stay calm & breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem & has been confirm

   answered the phone at work, when the person asked if Roger was available..I said no, he's married

   One hot sunny afternoon a man was sitting in his lawn-chair drinking beer and listening to the game, while his wife mowed the lawn. The Lady next store observed this and scolded him.... "How can you sit there and let your wife do the hard work? Any man w

   Confucius says: Crowded elevator smell different to midget

   thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.

   regrets to inform you that due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   thinks a foolish husband gives his wife an old piano. A wise husband gives her an upright organ!

   wonders if she's the only one who gets nervous when she sees a Toyota in her rearview

   Hilarious how both Republicans and Democrats think they do now wrong when both sides are equally as evil...end the 2 party system and America will be great again

   I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

   The only difference between the New Matrix movie and the old ones is that the Red & Blue pills are now suppositories