Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ziplock: making a fortune off potheads since 1980

   If you see a dude at the park with a case of beer, making homeless people dance for a can, come over and shake my hand.

   Its apparently rude to make "whoosh" sounds when an asian person hands you something. You would think they would appreciate the ninja sound effects.

   If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.

   it just me or does Justin Bieber's new haircut make him look like Marcy Darcy from "Married With Children"?

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   67.By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   The only thing worse than the truth are the lies that are told to cover it up.

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?

   I have no idea how I got 80% of my stuff.

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   If Americans are going to start complaining about their dwindling water supply because they can't keep their golf courses and their hollywoods watered they should start by extracting it from their BEER

   so hungry i'm starin' at my candlestick hopin' he's come to life, sing me 'be our guest' n prepare me a dancing yummy feast !!

   from South Africa and no we don't have Lions in our backyards ;)

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.