Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had Lady Gaga started her first performance from inside her fathers' condom, last night would have never occurred

   has just been banned from tesco.. apparently you're not supposed to pour water into the bucket marked "Pakistan flood appeal"

   She: "Ummm, I dont think we should, I have I boyfriend." He: "So? I have a skateboard but I'd much rather drive a car"

   Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.

   1300...yeah, that's a lot of pages. You have no idea how long it took me to go through all of them..

   it means no worries for the rest of your days. it's my problem-free philosophy. hakuna matata.

   excuse me ma'am, how many ping pong balls can you fit in your mouth?

   Word of warning...never sneeze while eating powder donuts and driving all at the same time, it plays hell trying see thru the spray on the windshield!

   Dude whenever I jaywalk I feel like I'm playing a game of frogger x D

   INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again when the rain has passed.

   Go to google, type in "Who is the cutest" and click on "I m feeling lucky" :D

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   Driving cars is like having sex, all guys think they're good at it

   You never can reallly know if a person actually said a quote or not. -Abraham Lincoln

   Its my Status and I'll cry if I want to

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   ☑ Just voted myself as Most Popular on Facebook... Can't wait for the Yearbook!

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at every guy on the job and saying, “This thing is broken!!!” (for us females!!! :)

   *Home phone rings* Me-Hello Tom-Hey dude where r you (dude r you stupid,,,u called my home number nd you asking me where I am.....wtf)

   Finding the lost TV remote I looked between the bed sheets. Just wish I could find a hot naked women there now and then.