Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   Driving cars is like having sex, all guys think they're good at it

   You never can reallly know if a person actually said a quote or not. -Abraham Lincoln

   Its my Status and I'll cry if I want to

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   ☑ Just voted myself as Most Popular on Facebook... Can't wait for the Yearbook!

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at every guy on the job and saying, “This thing is broken!!!” (for us females!!! :)

   *Home phone rings* Me-Hello Tom-Hey dude where r you (dude r you stupid,,,u called my home number nd you asking me where I am.....wtf)

   Finding the lost TV remote I looked between the bed sheets. Just wish I could find a hot naked women there now and then.

   i hope spongebob is raping bin laden constantly...

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to go down on the waitress.

   One time my dad yelled "who let the dogs out," but the only music we heard was Buddy getting hit by a car

   Remember when mambo 5 came out with the retina display? It made the mambo 4S look like CRAP........... good times

   Blame Obama Hotline, how may we assist you today?

   Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

   The boy who used to bully me in grade school still takes my lunch money,,,,,,on the plus side, he never forgets to ask me if I want to upsize my fries.

   Honey Boo-Boo endorsed Obama on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Was that so momma could buy their paint chips on a snap card?

   Men are born between a woman's legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them. Why? Because there's no place like home.

   If my st@tus upd@tes don't make you spit what you got in your mouth then you're a swallower...and hi there.