love Funny Status Messages

   Been getting a lot of things done lately thanks to a wonderful Facebook feature I love using you could find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me someday.

   Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

   I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if he was stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

   I messaged a woman that I was madly in love with her. Then I rubbed one out. Now I kinda just like her.

   I would love to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my butt.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   I can't wait for tomorrow when Trump will officially be president again. Love to see those libs cry.

   I love contactless delivery. They just throw the slop at your door and I run out like a little pig.

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   True love means being with someone want to see you get ahead in life by waiting until February 15th to get their flowers in candy at 50% off.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   If you're alone on Valentine's day to feel better just remember how for the love of a woman St. Valentine was in imprisoned then beat to death with clubs!

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   I love snow – People who never shovel