Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   hacked into Santa's computer,cleared the naughty list out..and has changed "coal" under Present List to "PS3""Wii" and "iphone".

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to talk and walk,then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   There's a time and place for everything. It's called college.

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   Anything you say will be held against you. "Tit".

   Just call her the Carpenter's Special: flat as a board and never been nailed.

   Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

   The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.They sent me Diana Ross

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   My mate is having a birthday soon. He doesn't drink,smoke or cheat on his girlfriend. I dont know how the hell we're going to celebrate it!

   Sex,Drugs & Sausage Rolls.