Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."