Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5 of 6353

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
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01-19-2023 02:05
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Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
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01-09-2023 03:32
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May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.
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01-04-2023 02:43
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I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00
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01-08-2023 01:35
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According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
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01-04-2023 02:41
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I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
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01-19-2023 04:05
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You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.
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01-10-2023 02:42
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The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
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01-06-2023 17:52
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I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
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01-04-2023 02:37
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Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.
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01-04-2023 02:39
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You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.
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07-07-2022 00:57
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.
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01-09-2023 03:55
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Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?
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01-06-2023 01:08
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The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.
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01-04-2023 02:44
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All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog
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05-28-2022 01:41 by Susan_66
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An empty browser history says more than a full one.
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06-03-2022 02:53
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Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”
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01-06-2023 01:39
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If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?
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01-06-2023 19:07
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The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.
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01-04-2023 02:42
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When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.
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01-08-2023 14:50
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