Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of us is right and the other one is you.

   Need a conversation starter for your next cookout? Arrange the chicken pieces on the grill to look like a cat.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   War is when they tell you who the enemy is. Revolution is when you figure it out for yourself.

   Her: The fences need painting and the car needs washing. Him: Kids! Who wants to learn karate.

   Soon, the public will be unable to think or reason for themselves. They’ll only be able to parrot the information that was given to them on the previous night’s news.

   Kicking open the bathroom stall at work after eating 4 jalapeno cheddar taquitos from the Exon Mobil gas station on my lunch break.

   How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?

   We’re not drilling for oil here because of “global warming.” But, we’re going to let someone else drill the same amount of oil somewhere else and burn even more oil to get it here. Brilliant.

   Happiness ~ is a cabin on 800 acres, 3 lakes, two mountains and no neighbors.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   Her: You remind me of the sea. Him: Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting? Her: No, because you make me sick.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Johnny Depp is the one guy that could've used an amber alert.

   If you don’t have time to pull over and fight, don’t honk your horn at me.

   The key to happiness? Stay away from idiots.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   If you’re 50+ it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get yourself a woman that recognizes the signs of a stroke.

   The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.

   Doctor: Says here you get offended by strangers on the internet. I’m writing you a prescription for two testicles.