Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.

   i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package

   The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.

   'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

   Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

   Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.

   Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

   Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed