Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   It's hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

   These people are putting up 'Lost Parrot' signs for the sake of their kids, but you'd think they'd place them higher for other birds to see.

   : If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

   If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

   Sometimes it's best to keep things between you and your neighbors. Like a stockade fence.

   Kid 1: Why'd you call me Aphrodite? Me: After the Greek goddess of love Kid 2: What about me? Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven't aged as well as you.

   Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I'm not exactly sure how to pick you up

   "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."

   Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.

   You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.

   It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren't on fire and don't have hurricanes.

   Men are NOT pigs. Pigs are gentle sensitive and intelligent animals.

   I wish I'd worked to learn another language. Only so I'd be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

   I was at the grocery store in the flower department and this guy picking out his own flowers said to me “It’s so crazy that you have to spend so much money on something that’s just gonna die” to which I replied “And you gotta buy them flowers”

   The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.