Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Get rid of the "quality check" section on the Domino's pizza tracker. I know what I'm getting myself into here.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.

   When the quarantine lasts longer than expected and your cousin starts looking extra thick.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

   What you just said, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Everyone is now dumber for having listened to it. May God have mercy on your soul.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.