Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.