Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
←Rate | 06-02-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
←Rate | 06-22-2017 14:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 00:35 by Paul Medrano Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone just called me NORMAL......I have never been so insulted in my life....
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
←Rate | 05-02-2017 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 18:01 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
←Rate | 05-08-2017 11:24 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
←Rate | 05-18-2017 15:18 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I HAVE SEEN MORE of tiger woods on facebook today than him on the pga tour in years
←Rate | 05-29-2017 16:21 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.
←Rate | 06-20-2017 05:25 by bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 07:24 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I pride myself on my vast collection of cruel, petty comebacks.
←Rate | 06-24-2017 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.
←Rate | 04-10-2017 13:27 by Mick Comments (0)  



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