Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.

   Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.