Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 21:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
←Rate | 10-29-2011 12:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
←Rate | 03-19-2012 13:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 17:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love how my George Foreman Grill separates the grease and fat, so I have something to dip my burger in.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 10:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
←Rate | 11-19-2012 19:17 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
←Rate | 05-19-2014 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.
←Rate | 05-09-2012 12:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....
←Rate | 01-05-2015 19:02 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
←Rate | 09-11-2012 09:16 by Aaron Comments (2)  

   messageicon Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know."
←Rate | 09-28-2011 14:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a man disconnect his oxygen tank before he lit his cigarette. Safety first.
←Rate | 05-10-2010 14:02 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
←Rate | 07-15-2010 17:55 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.
←Rate | 01-02-2011 17:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...
←Rate | 01-14-2017 08:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time
←Rate | 10-09-2012 20:06 by TyleG Comments (1)  

   messageicon can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??
←Rate | 04-10-2013 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
←Rate | 03-07-2012 12:50 Comments (0)  

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