Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
←Rate | 12-16-2017 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
←Rate | 01-26-2018 05:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
←Rate | 07-19-2017 07:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
←Rate | 08-12-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.
←Rate | 11-26-2017 04:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss
←Rate | 11-19-2017 16:53 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop
←Rate | 12-09-2017 04:28 Comments (1)  

   messageicon You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 10:54 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it.
←Rate | 01-03-2018 05:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
←Rate | 01-13-2018 11:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 12-08-2017 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
←Rate | 12-09-2017 23:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
←Rate | 11-17-2017 06:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.
←Rate | 12-01-2017 18:34 Comments (0)  

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