Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
←Rate | 06-05-2020 13:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.
←Rate | 04-12-2020 15:33 by RoboGoon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM
←Rate | 10-19-2017 23:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
←Rate | 10-13-2018 22:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.
←Rate | 02-22-2019 21:43 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
←Rate | 07-12-2020 09:10 by Gabe Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.
←Rate | 06-12-2020 01:53 by Ben Comments (0)  


   messageicon The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.
←Rate | 11-22-2019 05:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
←Rate | 02-19-2020 09:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...
←Rate | 04-20-2020 12:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼
←Rate | 06-14-2020 09:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
←Rate | 06-18-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  




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