Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5 of 6339

It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.
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01-06-2023 01:58
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When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.
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01-12-2023 00:25
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Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.
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01-19-2023 04:12
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Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.
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01-06-2023 19:43
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Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.
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01-04-2023 02:43
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When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.
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01-08-2023 15:25
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My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂
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01-23-2023 03:04
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Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”
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01-12-2023 00:22
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My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.
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01-12-2023 00:29
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If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
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01-10-2023 02:21
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Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.
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01-08-2023 01:43
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Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
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01-08-2023 17:24
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Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.
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01-18-2023 01:03
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Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
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01-23-2023 03:01
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Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
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01-12-2023 01:34
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The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
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01-09-2023 02:48
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An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”
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01-12-2023 01:05
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