Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   Whenever someone tells me a Knock-Knock joke, I sit there quietly and pretend I'm not at home until they leave.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Some of the best decisions I've ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   What am I getting you for Christmas? A sense of humour. I am getting you a sense of humour.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don't run into anyone you know.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.