Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

   The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

   The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

   Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   The further a society drifts from the truth, The more it will hate those who speak it...

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.