Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
←Rate | 03-24-2015 06:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time
←Rate | 10-09-2012 20:06 by TyleG Comments (1)  

   messageicon can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??
←Rate | 04-10-2013 09:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For some reason, my posts don't seem nearly as funny to me once I've sobered up.
←Rate | 12-26-2010 19:24 Comments (4)  

   messageicon I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.
←Rate | 01-02-2011 17:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
←Rate | 07-06-2011 17:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 08:35 by Derek Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad
←Rate | 04-20-2011 05:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.
←Rate | 02-17-2013 13:42 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 16:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
←Rate | 03-19-2012 13:54 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do
←Rate | 10-13-2016 23:27 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
←Rate | 06-16-2016 01:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Trump always looks like he's just opened a really hot oven.
←Rate | 03-12-2013 13:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."
←Rate | 04-15-2010 02:00 by wfbphoto Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
←Rate | 10-29-2011 12:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
←Rate | 04-03-2013 01:07 by StonerDudee Comments (5)  

   messageicon If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.
←Rate | 06-01-2011 10:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul!! Think he is trying to bust a move.
←Rate | 03-14-2013 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 21:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

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