Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space