Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
←Rate | 04-06-2017 10:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
←Rate | 02-06-2017 07:50 by Mikey c Comments (1)  


   messageicon Seriously, someone needs to invent snacks in bags that don't make noise when you open them late at night.
←Rate | 12-05-2010 13:33 by AJ Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!
←Rate | 07-20-2012 07:32 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  


   messageicon i have been upgraded to Santas naughty list Platinum member
←Rate | 12-18-2016 14:55 by flipphonescott Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.
←Rate | 01-13-2017 15:40 by snotty Comments (2)  


   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
←Rate | 03-10-2017 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.
←Rate | 03-29-2017 18:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Southwest- We beat our competition. Not you.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 23:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Give a man a beer and he will entertain you… Hold a mans beer and he will entertain the world.
←Rate | 04-12-2017 08:09 by The Joke Cafe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would be more of a people person at work if HR would agree to day drinking.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
←Rate | 03-26-2016 14:36 by Aaron Comments (0)  


   messageicon I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
←Rate | 02-03-2012 13:21 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
←Rate | 04-05-2014 21:46 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
←Rate | 04-03-2017 16:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
←Rate | 04-12-2017 09:01 by djjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 09:36 Comments (0)  



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