Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?
←Rate | 08-30-2020 19:35 by moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
←Rate | 09-30-2020 15:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
←Rate | 10-06-2020 11:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.
←Rate | 10-20-2020 14:23 by Grumpy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.
←Rate | 01-26-2021 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 09:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment
←Rate | 02-01-2018 03:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.
←Rate | 04-10-2018 13:37 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
←Rate | 03-23-2018 12:03 Comments (1)  


   messageicon A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.
←Rate | 12-08-2017 11:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?
←Rate | 07-11-2018 08:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.
←Rate | 07-25-2018 21:12 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.
←Rate | 03-19-2020 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
←Rate | 08-14-2017 20:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?
←Rate | 09-27-2017 07:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
←Rate | 09-10-2020 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  




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