Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 11:09 by markf Comments (0)  

   messageicon I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.
←Rate | 12-15-2018 14:11 by Zinc Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do Chick-Fil-A and Antonio Brown have in common? Neither one works on Sunday.
←Rate | 09-25-2019 20:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i don’t like the person I become when i’m tracking a ups package
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 'I can quit anytime I want' I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
←Rate | 10-02-2019 05:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
←Rate | 12-20-2019 11:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...
←Rate | 10-29-2019 09:00 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.
←Rate | 11-03-2019 06:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calling your girlfriend your "lady friend" is a great way to let everyone know you both met on Craigslist.
←Rate | 11-21-2019 21:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 19:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
←Rate | 08-31-2018 09:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one has more to say than a woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2018 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed
←Rate | 02-26-2018 14:39 Comments (0)  

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