Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

   Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   We are gonna have to retire the phrase “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out people don’t do that.

   After six months of listening to people talk with masks on, I finally understand what Charlie Brown’s teacher was saying

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.