Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in First Grade... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change, hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back