Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   It's a good thing that not everyone owns a smartphone..Someone has to HONK when the light turns green.

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

   Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

   hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

   Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.

   Imagine surviving Covid19 then China releases Covid19S Plus Pro

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   Good news for insomniacs! Only 2 more sleeps to Christmas!

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I think it's a miracle Jesus was able to turn water into wine but I thank God each morning for giving me the ability to turn water into coffee.

   Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to a 7 yr old silently standing in the bed over me at 5AM

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it