Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...

   Sure I will read Hugh Hefner's obituary. But only for the articles.

   Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.