Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   I want my tombstone to read; "I don't know where ya’ll gonna get your laughs now"

   I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   Sure your baby's cute but have you ever seen a chihuahua with the hiccups?

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.