Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   I just saved over 25 thousand dollars on a car battery because my car runs on gas.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.