Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 5 of 5617

   messageicon As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
←Rate | 08-05-2017 13:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
←Rate | 02-02-2017 07:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
←Rate | 03-28-2017 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today is Memorial Day, not Veterans Day, that's in November. It's okay to thank a Veteran but today is to honor those that gave the ultimate sacrifice.
←Rate | 05-29-2017 08:43 Comments (1)  


   messageicon It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.
←Rate | 06-04-2017 12:38 Comments (15)  


   messageicon If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
←Rate | 04-05-2017 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd be willing to bet that the gambling addiction hotline would work better if every fifth caller was a winner.
←Rate | 04-13-2017 08:44 by MK Comments (1)  


   messageicon I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor.
←Rate | 11-20-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn't want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.🐿️
←Rate | 02-14-2017 15:37 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon As soon as someone makes a time machine I'm going back to when being fat & pale was a sign of nobility.
←Rate | 03-21-2017 09:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 19:30 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!
←Rate | 06-03-2017 20:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
←Rate | 07-13-2017 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
←Rate | 07-29-2017 08:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
←Rate | 12-10-2014 07:40 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?
←Rate | 03-30-2017 11:10 by Me E Comments (1)  


   messageicon United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.
←Rate | 04-11-2017 17:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
←Rate | 02-22-2017 07:38 by Anon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.
←Rate | 05-15-2017 09:18 by Mick Comments (0)  



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