Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   I'm just here to offer you a glimmer of nope.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.