Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.