Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 5 of 5901

   messageicon Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 11:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed
←Rate | 04-12-2018 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 14:47 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
←Rate | 05-02-2018 01:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.
←Rate | 07-05-2018 02:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.
←Rate | 07-05-2018 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.
←Rate | 07-06-2018 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 13:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”
←Rate | 07-14-2018 12:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.
←Rate | 07-16-2018 03:08 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?
←Rate | 07-16-2018 09:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up
←Rate | 07-21-2018 11:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?
←Rate | 08-15-2018 20:10 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
←Rate | 09-14-2018 07:21 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.
←Rate | 09-14-2018 18:31 by Haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.
←Rate | 09-24-2018 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!
←Rate | 10-10-2018 14:48 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
←Rate | 10-27-2018 19:43 by Bindi Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"
←Rate | 11-06-2018 11:39 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left