Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"