Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don't turn it on

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   I refer to avocados a "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   how do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

   My cat has a fun new game called Catch & Release.. It catches the mice outside and brings them into the house and releases them.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.