Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   In a world where you can do anything, do it over there.

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did

   Between the Super Bowl commercials and today’s teen challenges...Tide is killing it!

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   I am concerned about the safety of my children most when they start smart-mouthing and rolling their eyes

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.