Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon what happens in vegas never happens to me
←Rate | 07-04-2011 06:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.
←Rate | 05-19-2014 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.
←Rate | 11-19-2013 19:02 by JMc Comments (0)  

   messageicon User "Anonymous" you are the most annoying person on earth. If there is anything wrong or negative to say to anything you are the man! Get a life or at least a job…
←Rate | 02-17-2017 08:47 Comments (2)  

   messageicon Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
←Rate | 01-22-2016 08:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.
←Rate | 12-07-2016 10:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
←Rate | 01-21-2017 11:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!
←Rate | 06-28-2012 18:34 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only card I want for Valentine's is VISA.
←Rate | 02-13-2013 07:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sure they'll recap the first round of this season of "Riots" on your local news channel in case you missed its premier.
←Rate | 04-27-2015 22:28 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh Snap..I missed the Oscars again. That makes 35 yrs. in a row now.
←Rate | 02-27-2017 09:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
←Rate | 05-05-2010 12:15 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?” – pitch for Valentines Day
←Rate | 02-13-2012 19:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?
←Rate | 01-09-2017 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
←Rate | 01-17-2017 09:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.
←Rate | 03-09-2017 09:31 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Due to the Economy, All dollar stores will be accepting 4 easy payments of 25 cents each.
←Rate | 05-09-2016 14:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon sleep with my grandad's WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
←Rate | 02-15-2017 02:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
←Rate | 03-13-2017 19:26 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

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