Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   Yesterday I was 2 away from a threesome. I love college!

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   borrowing money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

   I'm so sorry you must think I actually value your opinion!

   can never be accused of being "high maintenance". Whatever you are cooking for breakfast is fine with him. Just make it snappy, okay? Let's go! Chop Chop!

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   wondering why the hair on her legs grows so much faster than the hair on her head!

   dont think of it as another day since you've last seen someone think of it as one day closer to seeing them again -RIP-

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   save the trees, smoke a cigarette.

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   the shadow on the moon at night, Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f