Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know how to tell my parents they're adopted.

   GUMP 2010: Shrimp is the fruit of the Gulf. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabob in oil, shrimp creole in oil, shrimp gumbo in oil, pan fried in oil, deep fried in oil, stir-fried in oil. There's pineapple shrimp in oil, lemon shrimp in oil, thats about it.

   When a guy asks what you do for a living he'll probably walk away when you answer, "Y0ur m0m." But the look on his face is totally worth it.

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   I think that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

   save the trees, smoke a cigarette.

   The guy driving in front of me is totally following me...

   Do I even want to know how one would contract herpes of the eye?

   the shadow on the moon at night, Filling your dreams to the brim with fright!

   "Heat Wave Grips East Coast"; "Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico Continues"; Across the US Mainland, Fracking (drilling for natural gas) Causes Burning Tap Water and Causes Major Health Problems".........hmm, I'll take the "higher cost of living" in HAWAII

   We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look f

   thinks Santa is a judgemental twat who bears a grudge. I've explained the Elves incident a hundred times now. So what if I was caught naked with one of his helpers in a cupboard, it was all an innocent mistake!

   voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School

   wonders when John Mellencamp will write a song about the plight of the Facebook farmer?

   that sometimes you just meed to be with the person who makes you smile even if that means waiting

   doesn't have to make sense to be funny!

   If your dog fits in your purse, send it back, it's a rat in a dog suit.

   lost her virginity, but still has the box it came in.

   To bring attention to testicular cancer week, I am telling you my boxer briefs are black.

   In a PBS world with a HBO mind...