Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when you run like a ninja to your charger when your phone is low battery

   UNDENIABLE FACTS 101: You were born because, your parents had sex.

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   No seriuously we should not have dumped Osama bin Laden's body in the ocean ..... Neptune is pissed. He has Unleashed The Kraken's

   People keep saying how strong stomach acid is but I am pretty convinced that corn can kick it's butt.

   My sleep number is Advil

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"

   I thought dressing for your shape was the new sexy, not dressing like a slut!

   I will be a good girl..I will be a good girl..I will be good girl. O hell, we all know that won't happen.

   Q. How long will Charlie Sheen's tour last? A: 2 1/2 shows!

   Thanks Rebecca Black, because of you I don't know if I should sit in the front seat or the back seat.

   Funny that when you hear a man's name, you can instantly work out his nationality: Paolo - Italian Pierre - French Diego - Argentinian Sven - Swedish Klaus - German. Mohammed - British

   My relationship status with Adobe Photoshop is "It's Complicated"

   Love is in the air..... Good thing I have my gas mask on xD

   Humor has been cancelled for the day. We look forward to serving you in the near future.

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA