Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is in the air..... Good thing I have my gas mask on xD

   Humor has been cancelled for the day. We look forward to serving you in the near future.

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   it a bad thing when your only form of social interaction is when the dryer buzzer goes off? Asking for a friend..

   BREAKING: Mike Flynn's microwave just offered to testify in exchange for immunity.

   I would like to wish president Obama happy vetera.....oh wait. My bad.

   I can't stand all these 'Stand with Standing Rock' Facebook post anymore

   In other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   Original Transgender: Titanic Captain: We're short on boats, women & children first. Guy1*coughs*: I identify as a woman. Guy2:I'm a woman too

   Every knows a person that acts like a loser even when they win. Well

   Careful Ivanka. The boss in your new office is very handsy with attractive young women.

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Being clean and sober means I've showered and I'm heading to the liquor store.

   Who knew that you get sex with a porn star on layaway

   I think the best thing about being in the house of a hoarder is that you can take stuff home with you and they would never even notice.

   took a bucket of Legos to Lowes and asked the cute manager "Let's build something together" that's when I got thrown out of Lowe's.