Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   No seriuously we should not have dumped Osama bin Laden's body in the ocean ..... Neptune is pissed. He has Unleashed The Kraken's

   People keep saying how strong stomach acid is but I am pretty convinced that corn can kick it's butt.

   My sleep number is Advil

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"

   I thought dressing for your shape was the new sexy, not dressing like a slut!

   I will be a good girl..I will be a good girl..I will be good girl. O hell, we all know that won't happen.

   Q. How long will Charlie Sheen's tour last? A: 2 1/2 shows!

   Thanks Rebecca Black, because of you I don't know if I should sit in the front seat or the back seat.

   Funny that when you hear a man's name, you can instantly work out his nationality: Paolo - Italian Pierre - French Diego - Argentinian Sven - Swedish Klaus - German. Mohammed - British

   My relationship status with Adobe Photoshop is "It's Complicated"

   Love is in the air..... Good thing I have my gas mask on xD

   Humor has been cancelled for the day. We look forward to serving you in the near future.

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   Now we know for sure who the 'half' man is on 'Two and a Half Men'.

   I was chatting to a girl in a club last night. She said to me, "Can I have your mobile number?" I said, "No way, I've had that number for years".

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change