Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?

   should I paint my nails light pink or nude? - Kim Kardashian

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.

   #RealMenHandleThereBusiness #Manup #growup #showup #liveitup "Happy Fathers Day!" -take pride in what is yours and be proud of the human you created :)

   I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm.

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   I wonder where rich Swiss people hide their money...

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??

   The best thing about social media is that you can talk to people without having to put your pants on.

   I booked a nice table for two, then she tells me she doesn't like snooker, wtf?

   If Oscar Pistorius was born without arms instead of born without legs, this whole thing would of never happened...

   Just woke up with a face full of rice. Must've fallen asleep the moment my head hit the pilau...!

   “I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullsh*t”

   Really sucks how the "Law" makes me wait until after 11pm to smash my bass guitar playing neighbors face in.

   My stomach just Yelled at me ... Thru my Butthole ! Ouch !!

   Okay, who is the jerk that decided to stop putting toys in cereal boxes?