Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight

   I must have been drunk a lot as a toddler. Everyone remembers things I did as a child but me.

   Automatic flushing toilets are the premature ejaculators of bathroom fixtures.

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   DO you know why I make noise?! Because I want to let you know how much I'm an a$shole.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   The ATM is a REAL MAN! He never borthers to ask you crap questions like "Why did you take out this much?" "Buying useless sh t again?" or "$500 at 3AM Saturday? Don't tell me it's for piano lessons again!"

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably

   Ideas are cheap, execution matters.

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   Remember Folks: A day without sunshine is...like, well...night.

   Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.

   I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.