Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fish tanks are supposed to be soothing? My fish have seen me naked! I think my fish need a fish tank in their fish tank.

   Some of these girls are getting big headed over the hundreds of likes they are getting on their FB pics from all the thirsty and unemployed guys out there. I know they are unemployed because working men are too busy at their jobs to be stalking anyone.

   "Hole of an ass you are..." ~ Yoda probably

   Ideas are cheap, execution matters.

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   Remember Folks: A day without sunshine is...like, well...night.

   Get your mind out of the gutter. It's blocking my view.

   I wish I was excited about anything as much as Jim Ross was to see a Stone Cold Stunner.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.

   I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull