Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walking in a winter wonderland still beats driving a Ford !

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   They have better health care in China at the robot factory that built Paul Ryan.

   Oh, did you say Russia? We thought you were asking if we colluded with Prussia.

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.

   Grown ass men on Facebook playing Eye spy..Really?..Well when you're done playing that, maybe you can pull out your childhood easy bake oven, and make us all some cupcakes.

   If there's someone to blame all your failures on, it might as well be Big Bird.

   I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

   the best way to get over a woman is to get under another one

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!

   my daughters convinced me to take in a stray cat they found. in retrospect, I really should be clearer and more specific with my wishing!

   even the sweetest memories have a bitter taste

   hates that epic fail of not removing a yoghurt top in one piece!

   Would it be a good thing if I woke up feeling like P.Diddy? WTF's that mean anyway?!!

   Bad things come In 3's. First the earthquake, then the hurricane, then the zombies..

   It's not the getting up and getting ready for work that I hate. It's the 8 hour wait to go home that's the b!tch