Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

   I've been writing bad Czechs, encouraging them to do better.

   No, I won't hold your hand, but I'll hold your leash.

   All these New Year's facebook invites. Go see a $hitty band 2,000 miles away. A smoke filled rednekk bar 1,000 miles away. Or stay home and get sauced with a hot blonde in a Frederick's outfit. What to do what to do....

   Girl, I hate you so much its like you're my girlfriend.

   Girls don't ask for much. They want you to be like a Disney prince. So be rich, famous, charming, good-looking and have perfect white teeth.

   Let's run away together... to my bedroom.

   There was so much drug abuse on the Tour it shouda been called the Tour De Roid.

   I'm up to 374 online girlfriends!!

   Does this joke format make MY ASS look big?

   FACEBOOK - Keeping your fakeness public since 06'...

   Instead of the silly names the weather channel has chosen, they should pick names of infamous scam artists like Bernie Madoff who pulled off really good snow jobs.

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   People who live in glass houses shouldnt smoke crack!

   a guy can f¥ck you for a year straight and still not like one thing about you

   Kind of funny that Paula Broadwell's book is called ALL IN

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist