Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Instead of the silly names the weather channel has chosen, they should pick names of infamous scam artists like Bernie Madoff who pulled off really good snow jobs.

   OMG! MY ROOM IS SO DIRTY!! Oh nevermind, I found febreeze.

   People who live in glass houses shouldnt smoke crack!

   a guy can f¥ck you for a year straight and still not like one thing about you

   Kind of funny that Paula Broadwell's book is called ALL IN

   I really wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated them but then I realized cake had no ears :(

   China is the only country that gets to have towns in just about every city in the world.

   90% of the girls I've dated, I got their pants off with my humor. The other 10% were passed out, so I had to take them off myself.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist

   For a boot that has been left outside since the early ‘90s, Kevin Bacon aged pretty well.

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."