Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

   I was singing Rihanna's new song last night when my wife was in the room.... Lesson learned... Sticks and stones might not hurt.... But whips and chains do...

   on reflection... I'm glad I decided not to go through with My April Fools' Day prank with Airport Security yesterday

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   After seeing Iggy Pop perform on American Idol, Steven Tyler is probably thinking I'm going home and eating a sandwich.

   It's already making plans for Sunday...just in case I survive!

   i love the people who say their company is priceless!!.. to me if it lacks a price, it more likely worthless!!

   about to play with all the big, cute doggys at the police station

   Everything you do is fine. Anything I do is a crime.

   I wake up every morning and thank God I don't look like Rick Ross.

   Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!

   I want you......I need you......to gouge my freakin eyes out if I'm ever forced to watch Nancy Grace trying to dance sexy again.

   I know the Flinstone characters are cartoons, but id "yabba dabba do" Betty! Just sayin.

   Dear Facebook, please remove the instant "share" button. The newsfeed was no much cleaner when people were just too lazy to copy and paste.

   Health Tip: rubbing fruit in the palms of your hands is not a safe alternative to washing with water.

   If I could find a deaf, mute hot blonde....I would give her the world!!

   This is how my relationship goes.....I turn her on the moment I get home from work and she satisfies my needs. I love my air conditioner!