Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can make a mean bowl of cereal

   Osama was spotted on a street view image on google earth

   stop analyzing, criticizing, you should realize what I am & start epitomizing.

   don't talk to me in that tone of CAPITALS!

   Word: Drama Definition: a complete and total waste of my time.

   Like if you thought you hit "Tab" and you typed your password at the Username tab for everyone to see!

   I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. -Dwight Schrute

   Never take failure to your heart and success to your mind.

   This census and Tax stuff is crap. I want to live in a country that doesn't assign homework.

   wondering why buy grapes with seeds when the convenience of a seedless grape is right there

   i didnt realize how many amatuer meteorologist friends I have on facebook thanks for the 112 updates and photos of the floods ;)

   Its not insomnia. I choose to be awake.

   When I turn around, people throw me a welcome back party.

   I was singing Rihanna's new song last night when my wife was in the room.... Lesson learned... Sticks and stones might not hurt.... But whips and chains do...

   on reflection... I'm glad I decided not to go through with My April Fools' Day prank with Airport Security yesterday

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   I just witnessed a beer tub get carried away on a stretcher...

   After seeing Iggy Pop perform on American Idol, Steven Tyler is probably thinking I'm going home and eating a sandwich.

   It's already making plans for Sunday...just in case I survive!