Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't feel sorry for those that aren't empathic.

   crashing your family dinner on Thursday and bringing along a keg, dancers, a donkey and Cool Whip for the pie!

   Hooked on jenkem!

   I have the New Evo by Sprint. They told me this is a smart phone. I said "yeah yeah yeah" I didnt believe him until this morning when my phone woke me up, got me dressed, brushed my teeth, made me breakfast, warmed my car, locked the door, ect!

   I still don't get the whole "LOL" thing. Was laughing on the inside that common before?

   I've learned not to be picky in farewells... They aren't guaranteed or promised... You are lucky, more than blessed, if you get a goodbye at all...

   doing a study on paranoia by following people around town in my white Crown Vic with 4

   Lamp shades: Hats of the future

   thinks that if we were germs, I would be the 1% dettol can't kill!

   Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids

   just running a bath ... after that I may take the shower for a walk ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶

   people saymotivation doesnt last.well,neither does bathing-thats why we recommend it daily.

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Brett Farve has announced his "retirement" once again, now tying Cher for most retirements in one career.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.

   Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward through time, just to see if it's all worth it in relationship that we have..

   thinks Oscar the Grouch should have upsized and moved into the dumpster accross sesame street.

   always wondered why people with no teeth often buy the most expensive toothpaste.

   Rental advertising terminology: Cute=OMG, my closet is bigger than this. Charming=houses still had dirt floors when this was built. Close to transportation=right next to the railroad tracks. One month FREE=your neighbors are crackheads.

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.