Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   people saymotivation doesnt last.well,neither does bathing-thats why we recommend it daily.

   not sure why I should care that Favre is saying he is finally going to retire. Really? Isn't like the 15 millionth time he's said as much? Hey Brett! Ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf?

   Brett Farve has announced his "retirement" once again, now tying Cher for most retirements in one career.

   I'm already deleting my drunk Facebook status updates, and it's not even tomorrow.

   Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward through time, just to see if it's all worth it in relationship that we have..

   just googled "MAMBY PAMBY LAND" and I'll be damned.... It took me HERE!!!

   Ok I can only last 5 mins in bed so remind me....... why am I going to use Trojan fire&ice again????

   Perfect nite for New Years eve practice....You can build up your alcohol tolerance in disguise to hide the fact your a lightweight.

   Having lived and loved, I can tell you that life is the constant and love is the variable.

   told its Erection Day today. I'm wasn't sure if I ever celebrated that holiday in the past, but a waiter at Hong Kong Buffet insisted it was and I better get out and vote.

   wht is the different between your dog and your wife??? well you still miss your dog after one year..!

   likes the fact that my boss is technologically handicapped. Now I have fed his number in the black list and he's off to get his phone repaired so that he can make calls to me.

   doesn't feel sorry for those that aren't empathic.

   crashing your family dinner on Thursday and bringing along a keg, dancers, a donkey and Cool Whip for the pie!

   Hooked on jenkem!

   I have the New Evo by Sprint. They told me this is a smart phone. I said "yeah yeah yeah" I didnt believe him until this morning when my phone woke me up, got me dressed, brushed my teeth, made me breakfast, warmed my car, locked the door, ect!

   thinks Oscar the Grouch should have upsized and moved into the dumpster accross sesame street.

   Rental advertising terminology: Cute=OMG, my closet is bigger than this. Charming=houses still had dirt floors when this was built. Close to transportation=right next to the railroad tracks. One month FREE=your neighbors are crackheads.

   shall not waste his days in trying to prolong them.

   confused...the system admin told me to 'have a little patients.' Does this mean I need to become a pediatrician?