Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl just asked what I would call a girl who would do just about anything sexually on the first date. I told her I would call her... immediately!!!!

   Don't choose someone if they have to think twice about choosing you.

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach are aiming too high... jest saying

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   My middle finger on each hand has a six pack.......

   if you are feelimg sad and confused just remember that for milions of years, bird were the closest thimg we had to astronauts.

   Chocolate covered raisins are another way to say; "I hate you."

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   I like to play "I Spy" with total strangers and stare at them and say "I spy an idiot"...

   I have so many unfinished jokes in my

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   I don't care when a girl puts me in 'the friend', 'creeper' or 'getting a restraining order against zone'... it's their loss, not mine."

   Ya know, I think Mummies get a bad Wrap.

   If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.

   Anyone who lets facebook determine their relationships is an infant.

   Silly phone, that wasn't a missed call. That was a “I looked and saw who it was and pressed ignore” call.

   i used to have super power but my therapist took them away

   Girls always win because girls always have the v@ginas.

   Status Upd@tes are like skirts. The shorter the better.