Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   Easter chocolate tastes so much better than normal chocolate...

   i would like to thank you people for letting me know its friday every week its thoughts like this that keep me on facebook.

   Maury told me "You are Not the father"... That just made my day!

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that not all your nightmares came true either.

   NYTimes: If Trump runs in '12, NBC might cancel "Celebrity Apprentice." He just got my vote

   I have to give those Subway sandwich artists credit -- their works do look quite a bit like sandwiches.

   Whenever I walk into my local coffee shop, I like to pretend I'm an outlaw walking into an old west saloon. They love it!

   Left Cocoa Puffs on the Eater Bunnys chair at the mall!

   I don't want to be everything to everybody, I just wanna be someThing to somebody.

   This page is meant to be funny, can we please keep religion out of this!!

   Obama is in town. Traffic is bad. I won't be able to vote for him in 2012 because I'll still be sitting in my car.

   They say curiosity killed the cat. Which is true, because "curiosity" is also what I nicknamed my shovel.

   I was in a Ross' today. Do they always look like they were just hit by an earthquake?

   You call them "bullies." I call them "crusaders against childhood obesity."

   Dude, I'm not asking you to know pi to the 50th place, I'm asking you to know who's got right of way at a damn intersection!

   when my girlfriend says stop when having sex, thats when it's Hammer Time

   90% of the prison poulation believes in God. 90% of The Academy of Sciences are atheists. Personally, I'd rather have the guy in the white lab coat as a bunk mate

   Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet. 

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah