Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just on Facebook to see what's going on, so I won't be surprised by CNN's Breaking News.

   Do you know how many black guys wish they were Steve Nash?!?!?

   Just remember even though it is Earth Day, you should not tie yourself to any trees a bear might come by and eat you, one of the many things I have learned from 1,000 Ways to Die

   So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   Cremation, the last thing to light your fire.....

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   How can you keep earth clean when it's made of dirt and water?

   It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

   Men are like coolers. Load them up with beer and you can take them anywhere.

   My 20 year high school reunion is in a few months. I need help with making up some amazing crap that I've done.

   How come whenever I tell someone I play guitar, they challenge me to Guitar Hero? I have never challenged a veteran to Call of Duty.

   I also think Facebook should change “Friends” to “People with whom I have made eye contact”.

   I disagree... It's going to be a Great Friday!

   It's going to be a Good Friday.

   does anyone else think gas stations should throw in a free tube of ky jelly with every fill up?

   Keep Earth clean. It's not Uranus.

   thinking dirty the whole day.

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto