Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.

   Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.

   Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson should get hitched... Just sayin.

   So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'

   What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

   If the Easter Bunny leaves you Jelly Beans, don't eat the brown ones.

   Ok let me see if I have this straight. When counting calories, if you forget to write them down, you don't have to count them, right?

   I'm getting my days events mixed up - Good Friday, Earth Day, Birthdays...I just sent someone a "Good Happy Irthday" message :S

   I can't believe UPS stole the "What can brown do for you?" slogan from Ex-Lax. Ain't that some sh*t?

   wondering,What ever happened to those scientists who said pot kills brain cells?

   Free speech is guaranteed under the U.S constitution. Intelligence is not. Just watch the news.

   The iPhone checks my Facebook, checks my email, organizes my music, calls my Mom, and now it tracks my whereabouts? It's like having a jealous psycho girlfriend in your pocket.

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   To the 'Jolly Old England' poster - use your spell checker, dimwit.

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   Nobody understand what anyone else is going through. We could be standing beside someone who is broken and never know