Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During my vacation, I learned alot about my self. The main thing I learned was, not to take another vacation.

   Before you go driving thru flood water, remember water made the Grand Canyon.

   I am curently baking the air in here @400° because I am not turning the heat on yet!

   I hope old Hugh went out with a bang.

   The only reason I picked up that copy of Playboy was to read Hugh Hefner's Obit.....What Pictures???

   Every time I'm put on hold for longer then 10 minutes and a recorded message says "Your call is very important to us!" I cant help but wonder how long I'd have to wait if it wasn't very important?

   Bird Box looks exactly like A Quiet Place but instead of covering their mouths, they cover their eyes. Wait, if monkeys have taught me anything... will the next movie be about people who have to cover their ears?

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Sorry I can never be serous on facebook as it's just a website that shouldn't be taken too seriously. Like seriously.

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   Insanity runs in my family..it practically gallops.

   I’m really bad at impressions but I’ll give it a shot: This is my impression of a man that went into a coma in 2014 and woke up in 2019. “Seriously? That dude? Aaand scene.

   What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him he won't come to you anyway.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"