Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   When you're waiting for him in his T-shirt, it's cute. But when he's waiting for you in your T-shirt, it's time to start worrying.

   A dog ask a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"

   thought I had a touch of Alzheimer's, but I had forgotten what the symptoms were.

   any1 know how to turn your body clock off?? this is just gettin ridiculous at this stage

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that also means that dream about you forgetting your pants at home

   "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   My get up an go done got up and went and busted the hell outa my give a damn on it's way out!

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   When I become president, I'm keeping a magic 8 ball on my desk. That's how I run a country...

   Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"

   Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.

   People say best friends are hard to find. That's because the best one's already mine.

   Marriage: finding that special someone you want to annoy the rest of your life

   Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"

   When you poke someone on facebook, where exactly are you supposed to be poking them ?

   Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.