Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only rabbit I want coming to my house is Jessica.

   I tried to walk into target today but I missed

   Give Tiger a break. Obama is screwing the WHOLE country!

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops.............. Even if they do make me look a but gay!

   Came home Friday with flowers for the missus. When I handed them to her she replied, "Great. Now I have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air." Obviously confused I asked, "Why? Don't we have any vases?

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   When you're waiting for him in his T-shirt, it's cute. But when he's waiting for you in your T-shirt, it's time to start worrying.

   A dog ask a cat, "why do you always make love in secret?" The cat answers, "coz we don't want humans to copy us like they did to you dogs"

   thought I had a touch of Alzheimer's, but I had forgotten what the symptoms were.

   any1 know how to turn your body clock off?? this is just gettin ridiculous at this stage

   When you start complaining that all your dreams have not come true, you have to realize that also means that dream about you forgetting your pants at home

   "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

   My get up an go done got up and went and busted the hell outa my give a damn on it's way out!

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   When I become president, I'm keeping a magic 8 ball on my desk. That's how I run a country...

   Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"

   Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.