Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   more kisses begin with Budweiser or good weed than Kay

   Antoine Dodson arrested for possession of marijuana. He should have added that to his list of things to hide...

   thinking about landscaping the back yard with fake Easter grass.

   Women are from Venus? That's bull. They're from Pluto. How else can they stand outside a club in freezing rainy weather with nothing but a mini skirt?

   don't have an affair with a puppeteer. There are strings attached...

   its always a good friday when your getting paid

   The ski racks on my car say I'm fun, adventurous, and can't figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.

   I figured out what Obama was talking about when he said there is going to be CHANGE.It's all we have left to carry in our front pocket when he is done taking his part !!!!

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   Just saw Bigfoot!! Oh wait, its just the mother in law.

   I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.

   It's not my birthday, but I'll take a spanking anyway.

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   man, when are 'good girls' gonna start liking good guys? I'm running out of patience here!

   Note to the Easter Bunny: You're not fooling anyone with that fake grass in the basket.

   Dear Parents, How do you expect kids to listen to you when: Tarzan lives half naked. Cinderella comes back at midnight. Pinocchio lies all the time. Aladdin is the king of thieves. Batman drives at 320km/h. Sleeping beauty is lazy. Snow white sleeps with

   Sh!t it's raining, f*ck it's lightning, dammit thunder, just cussing up a storm over here..

   You know why they call it golf? Cause all the other four letter words were taken!!

   hopes there is never another NFL game again until people act grown up and forget money and remember the sacrifice of Pat Tillman. (Research it)