Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.

   I want a President I can do mushrooms with.

   90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.

   I was going through a tough time ..... then I opened my eyes .... then there was you :-)

   "I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"

   I always thought my adult life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?

   Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   My internet goes out more than I do

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   I make my decisions like I make love. I don't, because I'm married.

   That moment when you have just realized that someone had just left you with one square of toilet paper on the roll.