Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Oprah: You've returned after 2000 years. What's your message for humanity? Jesus: I just want everyone to know I never wore those sandals.

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   What does Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal have in common? Neither one of them knows they're white. . .

   Theresa May replaced David Cameron as UK's new Prime Minister. Finally someone with balls will run the country.

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   Grand Thaft Auto Go, New mission steal that car and kill everyone. Available Soon

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....

   Some days I wonder if the movie Good Will Hunting would've been as successful if that guy in the bar didn't like apples.

   If I ever opened a crystal meth kiosk at a mall, it would be called “You Do the Meth!”

   Hope Solo should have the "Shut the Hell Up" special for dinner tonight.

   I once tried to force-feed my oldest son. After a while, my wife said, “Just use a fcuk*ng spoon, You’re not a Jedi.”

   Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.

   Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.

   Ex-Congressman Weiner embroiled in new sexting scandal. Weiner at it again.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.