Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, if I comment on your fb posts with the haha reaction icon, it probably means I didn't actually find it funny. It's because you're hot.

   Whoever said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store clearly lied. Everyone else had clothes on.

   I’m amazed at how frequently scientists use memes to publish the results of their studies.

   Some people are so clueless, they couldn't buy a clue at Clue-mart on National Clue Day with a fist full coupons for a free clue.

   Why put dry powdered sugar on French Toast when the good Lord created Log Cabin syrup?

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   Let me get this straight. I should wear a mask, gloves, sunglasses and a hat. That sounds more like a disguise to me

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   I just got the strangest BJ ever. It was... you ever see that cartoon where a chicken is trying to yank a worm out of the ground kinda like a tug of war?

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   7-11 cashier: that will be $5.87. Me: ok 7-11 cashier: would you like a bag? Me: You got something good???

   Why does the speaker of the house have a spoke person ?

   I told my kids the Easter bunny is lazy...He didn't even cook or color the eggs and he hid them all in my fridge

   It's a bad day to be a witch.

   When we were kids my sister played with dolls and I played with soldiers. Now it's the other way round.

   Taylor Swift reportedly has already dated, broken up with and written a crappy song about Tom Hiddleston.