Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Todays Thing To Do: Make a To-Do list.

   walking by the gas price sign at the Gas station and remembers the day when he could afford to drive to the gas station for his slushy

   About 50% of the time “good luck” really means “efff you.”

   “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some shit for Farmville.

   Just saw an article on yahoo that said "Little unknown facts about the Royal Wedding". I have a little unknown fact for you yahoo, no one gives a shit about the Royal Wedding.

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view But I can't stick my head that far up my Ass

   Face it. We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese

   Good Morning! I've survived to live yet another day in this beautiful world.. Dont take candy from strangers and remember ,Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom !

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   I am not saying the quality of adult entertainment has gone downhill around here but all the dancers here are wearing change belts!

   I think if we get our husbands helper monkeys, they'll leave us alone...

   Remember when text messaging was passing a note back and forth in class?

   After an intense workout of shakeweight and sit and be fit it's time to rest.

   ‎My teddy bears in the wash, may I cuddle with you tonight.

   Keep going on about how fat my Mamma is and you'll find yourself squished...

   Never trust a person with dry hands coming out of a bathroom

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".

   Who spelled Licorice that way? It sounds like rice got some lice not delicious candy