Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old "gyne and dash."

   1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

   trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here? me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

   I lost a pound so I’m rewarding myself with 8 pounds of Chinese food.

   When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs I bought one And I have never seen him since.

   Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   Seems like everyday is some kind of cause, appreciation or event day. I think most are made up. Unlike today which is Ladies have sex with (name) day!

   I know you love me baby. I know. Which is why I got this restraining order on your ass.

   does Life feels heavy and the days are not really what you want? The solution is to look at life as a male dog. if it can not be eaten or fu#ked, so piss on it and move on ...

   There are two different kind of people in the world, "born" ones and "made" ones.

   Text me first so I know it's real