Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Lesson: Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

   Hey ... Even Duct Tape can't fix Stupid ..... But at it can muffle the sound.

   eports now surfacing that there was a brief conflict between Charles and Donald about who is in charge.

   I'm not difficult but my Wi-Fi password has more characters than an Avengers movie.

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   You know you're getting old when the price of tomatoes intrigues you.

   A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

   Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.

   Now I know why NASCAR fans don't watch the Olympics....Watching swimming is 10X slower than running and 1000X slower than automobile racing.

   Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.

   If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.

   Pro tip: No matter how many times your baby asks, don't give them Indian food...

   If my house could talk it would assume I own stock in Ramen Noodles.

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   Fish food is a one time purchase. If you go through more than a canister in 10 years your fish has an eating disorder.

   Fact: I used to get beat up a lot at vacation bible school.

   I ordered 2 venti coffees from Starbucks for myself tonight so now I'm the new face of addiction.

   Have you ever been so high that you re-enact the 'stair climb' scene from Rocky when you find an unopened packet of Oreos in the pantry?