Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven't felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   It’s like all of my wife’s friends say - stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   I hate how celebrities always die in 3 like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison and sometimes literally on the same day like Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Bopper and now Oscar the Grinch, Big Bird and Caroll Spinney.

   If at first you don't succeed, well then maybe skydiving isn't for you.

   Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good. Mine is my back scratcher.

   Whelp, I'm not even out the door yet and I could already tell it's going to be another one of those days I'm not going to change the world and make it a better place for all mankind to live with my Facebook post.

   Dear Facebook, I'm fully capable of finding my phone friends so if you can do me a favor and stop suggesting them to me like my mother did when I was 5 years old that would be great. Thanks!

   I'm not making any New Year's resolutions this year as they always just go in year and out the next.

   If you're starting off the New Year single looking for a significant other, forgot dating websites, forget clubs and bars and go mingle in the freezer section or down the cat food isle.

   Good News!!! I finally received my W2's from Facebook.

   Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.

   WARDEN: Any final words before you're hung? ME: How many of these have you done? It's hanged, you idiot. WARDEN: *just shoots me*

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then