Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   Me tomorrow: yea I'm calling in blind today management:: what ? Me: saw the eclipse yesterday I can't see myself coming in today

   I'm so old when I was a kid my stomach used to growl when I was hungry, now it sought of just grumbles and complains.

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.

   WELL .... Apparently the rhythm method doesn't work!

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.