Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.

   WELL .... Apparently the rhythm method doesn't work!

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   Tip for Pokemon Go players. I just left a Squirtle and a Blastoise in the mall bathroom.

   Why I Hate Talking: I was trapped in a conversation about the pros & cons of sea salt vs land salt.

   I can't wait to see who wins the 100-Yard Dash From A Zika Mosquito in the Rio Olympics.

   Him: Ok, who ate the rest of my cake??? Me: Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover cake, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, Quitter!

   Always wonder how many drug users have heated heroin in the spoon I'm about to use to eat my cereal, in this motel room.