Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   Tip for Pokemon Go players. I just left a Squirtle and a Blastoise in the mall bathroom.

   Why I Hate Talking: I was trapped in a conversation about the pros & cons of sea salt vs land salt.

   I can't wait to see who wins the 100-Yard Dash From A Zika Mosquito in the Rio Olympics.

   Him: Ok, who ate the rest of my cake??? Me: Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover cake, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, Quitter!

   Always wonder how many drug users have heated heroin in the spoon I'm about to use to eat my cereal, in this motel room.

   Today's Lesson: Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

   Hey ... Even Duct Tape can't fix Stupid ..... But at it can muffle the sound.

   eports now surfacing that there was a brief conflict between Charles and Donald about who is in charge.

   I'm not difficult but my Wi-Fi password has more characters than an Avengers movie.

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   You know you're getting old when the price of tomatoes intrigues you.

   A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

   Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.

   Now I know why NASCAR fans don't watch the Olympics....Watching swimming is 10X slower than running and 1000X slower than automobile racing.

   Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.

   If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.