Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is too short to dance with fat chicks

   not responding

   Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   Dear Obama: a little diaper logic for you. If it stinks, change it....but you aren't supposed to replace it with another sh*tty one!!!

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us. Now we have Obama but no Hope and no Cash

   They changed the zodiac signs! Are they just going to add in a new random month too?

   Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.

   My wife asked me for a sonnet. Never knew she liked fancy hats.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   I love when I can see a grown adult be happier than a kid in a candy store and the candy is shaped like toys!!!

   You are part of a puzzle in someones life. You may never know where you fit. But, someones life may never be complete without you in it.

   Only while camping can you pee in the middle of the night while staring into the eyes of a bear.

   You're a living oxymoron if you get distracted while driving a Ford Focus.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.

   WELL .... Apparently the rhythm method doesn't work!

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.