Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows that your girlfriend is not taking piano classes on sundays

   the "Pull my finger" joke stinks.

   Who was the best comedian/stage performer in the Bible? ANS: Samson. He brought the house down.

   i remember when I was younger my mum used to give me 50p to go to the shop , I used to be able to get a couple cans of pop a hand full of ice lollies a magazine couple packs of stickers and some skittles....you just cant do it these days God damn CCTV!!

   reading Santa's Naughty Girls list...... Thank you Wikileaks

   Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.

   Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment

   How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...

   Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.

   Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."

   Phil Collins "in the air tonight" is not the most popular song in Malasia

   Plot twist: The Patriots deflated balls to keep the game close.

   My Beard wants to do cardio between your legs..

   Feeling like a movie tonight....I think I'll watch Fast and Furious 6 and then maybe half of 7

   Not since the OJ chase has American been disappointed with a slow white bronco

   Me? Behave? Seriously... As a child I saw Tarzan strolling naked. Cinderella arrived home after midnight. Pinocchio told lies. Aladdin was a thief. Batman drove over 200 miles an hour. Snow White lived in a house with 7 men. It's not my fault!

   Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....

   "Where the hell are all the moths coming from?" -- Thomas Edison 1879

   While watching him give a speech on TV, I increased the brightness but it didn't work.

   Lots of Catholics are crazy upset about Lennay Kekua being fake. Wait'll they find out about Jesus.