Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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i remember when I was younger my mum used to give me 50p to go to the shop , I used to be able to get a couple cans of pop a hand full of ice lollies a magazine couple packs of stickers and some skittles....you just cant do it these days God damn CCTV!! 
reading Santa's Naughty Girls list...... Thank you Wikileaks
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
damn right I'm good in bed... I can sleep for days!!
found a sweet new keyboard shortcut. I wish I'd known about it before, it's so much faster! I love you ALT + F4. You make my life easy.
better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...
never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."
Not the time to lose one's head. That's not the way to get ahead in life. It's a shame you arent't more headstrong. You'll never be the head of a major corporation.
my girlfriend just popped in on trying on her bra's.. this would be a good time for me to shove a twix in my month
just watched half of The Social Network and I got to say to that point it is absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen..right..I know it's more of a movie for academic queers
You want to know what chloroform smells like?
ohh yeahh... the sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette
"Deck the halls with Happy Birthday Faa La La La'up on the roof top is Peter Cotton tail in a one horse open sleigh"..........man, that's a good margarita.....
Every Christmas I give my co-workers a card with a picture of my middle finger inside.
Addicts Anonymous. How may I help you?" "Can I speak to the cocaine councillor?" "Can you hold? He's on another line at the moment
How do you make a goldfish age? Take away the G...
Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.
Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."
Phil Collins "in the air tonight" is not the most popular song in Malasia 