Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   Do anti- Christian bashers use the internet slang "WTF"?

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   Perfect day today... I think i'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name! I just can't stay inside all day! I gotta get out, get me some of those rays!

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   yo mama's so old she has an autographed copy of The Holly Bible.

   I met a girl the other day. She said it's a must for her mate to be into the arts. I told her I am very much into the arts... the art of beer drinking, the art of watching football, and the art of long walks on the beach after anal.

   this one time I was in a bush, and this squirrel was like hey, and I was like hey you can't talk to me your a squirrel and he was like yea I know lmao

   How many rounds of the vaccine do you need before you can stop wearing the tinfoil hat?

   That night in september 1945 if Mary Ann had only told Fred she had a headache, we all would be better off today.

   Knock knock. Who's there? Weekend! Weekend who? 'We can end' working for a couple of days thank you very much!!!

   Rose are red, violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.

   KIϟϟ+ACϟDC=greatest bands of all time