Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   Getting drunk on a week night is kinda like bangin' a fat chick; no matter how much you enjoy it now, you'll regret it in the morning.

   Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was g@y

   Justin Bieber Charged With Criminal Assault of a limo driver! He commits a criminal assault every time he sings.

   Boycott Cheerios

   Does anyone know what these big patches of greenish shaggy stuff all over the ground is??? CREEPY!

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Once I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?". I almost drowned that day.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   can people who are paralysed from the waist down fart?

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Susan,,, What do you mean, "My a$$ is a flotation device?"

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. Here's my number, I'm very lazy. Your dog resembles Patrick Swayze. Do you like daffodils? I'm craaazy

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   Do anti- Christian bashers use the internet slang "WTF"?

   Recession: when your neighbor loses his job. Depression: when you lose your job. Recovery: when Gordon Brown loses his job.

   Perfect day today... I think i'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name! I just can't stay inside all day! I gotta get out, get me some of those rays!

   Lovin my early Christmas present of a Massage Chair! Work never felt so good!.. Now if someone would just invent a vibrating tampon I could start lovin my periods too!

   yo mama's so old she has an autographed copy of The Holly Bible.