Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

   Damn court sux. If I ever got pooled 4 jury duty I would start all my answers w/ "According to the phrophecy..."

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   Virginity is not a dignity.It's just a Lack of opportunity.

   wonders if you ever wished your life had a System Restore... or maybe even just a Back Button?

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   ...Can someone to tell me why there is braille on drive thru ATM machines. Am I missing something here??

   can't stand Cows. They're way too dramatic. If it's not one thing, it's an udder.

   Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.

   NEWS: An Ohio exotic dancer was indicted for murder after she dragged a man under her car for more than a mile. Witnesses to the scene called it "The worst lap dance ever."

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   Please insert credit card to view my status message.

   i said to me little sister spell MacDonald and I will take you there she replied ok lets go to KFC

   playing Call of Doodie

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...heheheehe...I said bush:)

   This years Thanksgiving challenge: See if you can sneak a bowl of Lucky Charms on the table.

   The night before my friend's wedding he asked me how "IT" was done. I told him to take the thing he plays with and put it where she pees. On his wedding night he took his guitar and tossed it in the sink.

   now knows what Johnny Cash was singing about in "Ring of Fire." He ate at Taco Bell last night.

   Every year, grandma gets run over by a reindeer. I wonder if this year, if I left some extra cookies, Santa'd aim for my ex instead?

   my next license plate: POKE ME