Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   celebrating Cinco De Mayo by having some tequila, tacos, casadias, and cho cha

   If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day or two...he'll be back to his usual self.

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

   I'm now Getting facebooks requests from my 14yr old sons friends. My girlfriend just called me a M.I.L.F. "Mom I'd like to Facebook"

   I've seen as many smart people today as Stevie Wonder has.

   if Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott went sailing together, and the boat capsized, who would be saved? Australia.

   My other Facebook page is a 69 camaro.

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits

   that uncomfortable feeling when your poking session on FB lasted longer than "the real poking'

   Went from being “in relationship” to being “single.” Modern Warfare 3 claims its first victim!

   Why do they advertise that something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   If you are fat and your wearing skinny jeans, it does not make you look skinny.. it makes you look silly!!!

   ....... In suppoert of the Ocupy Wall Street movement ... I withdrew 20 bucks from my bank and bought a burger, fries, and went to a movie!! .. Take that you evil corporations!!

   Ooook-lahoma, where the Earthquake comes sweepin' down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the Tornado's come right behind the rain.!

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   Big girls don't cry. Well, not tears. It's a combination of chocolate, movie popcorn butter, and broken dreams.

   Dear grown folks, Stop going broke trying to look rich and act your WAGE:)

   My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

   Take it Kevin Costner's been fired then...