Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is so HOT in my town ... Water in public swimming pools is evaporating so fast that children are being encouraged to swim in the deep end and keep ignoring the,"no peeing" rule...

   do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?

   I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!

   Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.

   Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   "What is that? A banana? Aw who gives a $hit?" -Disinterested George

   I would buy the 10 thousand dollar hair of Justin Beiber at ebay and clone it so just that I can kill his clone to pieces with my barehands!

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.

   When I hear someone say "Valentimes" I wanna punch them in the throat.....it's an N for No wonder you're alone

   Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.

   ''The corrupt fear us,the honest support us,the heroic join us.'' - V for vendetta

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.

   4/04 Day Not Found.

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.